It Didn’t Start With You… But You Can Heal It!

“Trauma travels through families until someone is ready to feel it.”

— Stephi Wagner

There are moments in life where our reactions feel bigger than the moment itself. The panic, the overwhelm, the shutdown. And it can be so easy to think: What is wrong with me? But here’s the truth that so many of us are just starting to understand: There may be nothing wrong with you. What you’re carrying might not even be yours.

The Science of Generational Trauma

In one of the most well-known studies on inherited trauma, researchers exposed mice to the smell of cherry blossoms while simultaneously giving them mild electric shocks. Eventually, the mice learned to associate the scent with fear. But here’s the stunning part: when these mice had babies, and even when their grandbabies were exposed to the scent of cherry blossoms, without any shocks at all, they exhibited the same fear response.

This is what generational trauma looks like. It is biologically passed down. Inherited. Encoded into the nervous system like a warning label that says: Stay alert. Stay small. Stay safe.

And yet, most of us have no idea that we’re living inside this inherited stress. We just think we’re anxious, lazy, overwhelmed, or failing.

How It Shows Up in Everyday Life

I know this pattern well. I lived it for decades without even realizing it. As a high-functioning, corporate leader and solo entrepreneur, I kept my calendar full and my boundaries thin. Productivity made me feel valuable. Achievement made me feel safe. And slowing down? That felt like failure.

When I had my candle business, I obsessed over every single detail. A tiny blemish in the wax didn’t just mean it couldn’t be sold, it meant something about me. I couldn’t delegate because control felt like safety. Eventually, it became too much. I couldn’t expand. I couldn’t breathe. So I let the business go.

But even that felt like failure. Because when you’re stuck in a trauma cycle, your nervous system tells you: Do more. Be more. Don’t stop. Don’t feel.

Trauma Responses Disguised as Personality

The tricky thing about trauma is that it doesn't always scream. Sometimes, it masks itself as a personality trait. We've worn these patterns for so long, we begin to confuse them with who we are, rather than what we've learned to be.

You might say, "That's just the way I am." But what if it’s actually the way you had to be?

That perfectionism? It’s not just ambition. It’s a trauma response, a way to control outcomes so nothing feels unsafe or uncertain.
That hyper-independence? It’s not just being strong. It’s survival because at some point asking for help once led to disappointment, criticism, or abandonment.
That inability to rest? It’s not laziness. It’s nervous system overdrive. The internal alarm that says, “If you stop, everything will fall apart.”
That over-explaining or apologizing too much? It’s not being considerate. It’s a learned strategy to avoid conflict and stay safe.
That need to fix or rescue everyone? It’s not just kindness. It’s a fawn response, the subconscious belief that your value lies in being useful or needed.
That constant busyness? It’s not hustle. It’s a coping mechanism. A way to avoid what might come up if you slow down.
That people-pleasing? It’s not just being nice. It’s a nervous system trained to secure belonging through compliance.

These responses aren’t flaws. They’re brilliant adaptations that once helped you stay safe. Your body and mind are incredibly intelligent. They found ways to protect you when you didn’t feel safe to feel. But what protected you back then may be keeping you stuck now. And over time, that protection comes at a cost: disconnection, exhaustion, and a life lived from fear instead of freedom.

And the most heartbreaking part is that we often don’t recognize the cycle until much later. Sometimes it takes our children growing up before we realize we’re repeating patterns we swore we’d break.

It Didn’t Start With You, But It Can End With You

Generational trauma is not your fault. But your awareness of it? That’s your invitation to heal. And yet, awareness often comes with another hard truth: shame.

When we begin to see the patterns we’ve lived out, or even passed down, we can start to feel guilt. Regret. The heavy weight of “I should’ve known.” But shame is not the end. It’s a doorway. And it’s one we must walk through with compassion.

Because shame is also a tool of disconnection. It keeps us stuck, afraid to look deeper, afraid to try. And that’s why so many stay in survival mode, even when they’re aware of the cycle. But once you see it, you can’t unsee it. And you have a sacred responsibility, not just to yourself, but to those who come after you.

Healing doesn’t happen through more hustle. It doesn’t happen through perfection. It happens when we pause. When we question the beliefs we were raised on. When we create space to feel what our ancestors couldn’t.

And yes, that’s scary. But it’s also sacred.

It’s the moment you stop surviving and start truly living.

Your Invitation to Begin

If this resonated with you, you’re not alone.

This is the heart of my upcoming book Beyond Numbing and the 5-day challenge I’m building right now. A safe, guided journey to help you understand your nervous system, recognize the patterns that are keeping you stuck, and begin returning home to yourself. If you want to become a founding member, and help in co-creating this life altering challenge, send me a note.

In the meantime, I invite you to start small:

Download my Guided Grounding Meditation and come back into your body. Use code GROUNDING50 for 50% off.
Explore the Self-Love and Self-Acceptance ebooks and workbooks in the shop, and start remembering who you were before the world told you who to be.